SOLDIER #1: We have found Saddam. May we burn him? 
BATTALION: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him! 
BREMER: How do you know he is Saddam? 
SOLDIER #2: He looks like him. 
BATTALION: Right! Yeah! Yeah! 
BREMER: Bring him forward. 
SADDAM: I'm not Saddam. I'm not Saddam. 
BREMER: Uh, but you are dressed as him. 
SADDAM: They dressed me up like this. 
BATTALION: Augh, we didn't! We didn't... 
SADDAM: And this isn't my beard. It's a false one. 
BREMER: Well? 
SOLDIER #1: Well, we did do the beard. 
BREMER: The nose? 
SOLDIER #1: And the hat, but he is Saddam! 
SOLDIER #2: Yeah! 
BATTALION: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah! 
BREMER: Did you dress him up like this? 
SOLDIER #1: No! 
SOLDIER #2 and 3: No. No. 
SOLDIER #2: No. 
SOLDIER #1: No. 
SOLDIERS #2 and #3: No. 
SOLDIER #1: Yes. 
SOLDIER #2: Yes. 
SOLDIER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit. 
SOLDIER #3: A bit. 
SOLDIERS #1 and #2: A bit. 
SOLDIER #3: A bit. 
SOLDIER #1: The DNA matches. 
BREMER: What makes you think he is Saddam? 
SOLDIER #3: Well, he dropped nerve gas on me. 
BREMER: Nerve gas? 
SOLDIER #3: I got better. 
SOLDIER #2: Burn him anyway! 
SOLDIER #1: Burn! 
BATTALION: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!... 
BREMER: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is Saddam. 
SOLDIER #1: Are there? 
SOLDIER #2: Ah? 
SOLDIER #1: What are they? 
BATTALION: Tell us! Tell us!... 
BREMER: Tell me. What do you do with dictators? 
SOLDIER #2: Burn! 
SOLDIER #1: Burn! 
BATTALION: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!... 
BREMER: And what do you burn apart from dictators? 
SOLDIER #1: More dictators! 
SOLDIER #3: Shh! 
SOLDIER #2: Wood! 
BREMER: So, why do dicators burn? 
[pause] 
SOLDIER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood? 
BREMER: Good! Heh heh. 
BATTALION: Oh, yeah. Oh. 
BREMER: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood? 
SOLDIER #1: Build a bridge out of him. 
BREMER: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone? 
SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah. 
BREMER: Does wood sink in water? 
SOLDIER #1: No. No. 
SOLDIER #2: No, it floats! It floats! 
SOLDIER #1: Throw him into the oasis! 
BATTALION: The oasis! Throw him into the oasis! 
BREMER: What also floats in water? 
SOLDIER #1: Bread! 
SOLDIER #2: Apples! 
SOLDIER #3: Uh, very small rocks! 
SOLDIER #1: Cider! 
SOLDIER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy! 
SOLDIER #1: Cherries! 
SOLDIER #2: Mud! 
SOLDIER #3: Uh, churches! Churches! 
SOLDIER #2: Lead! Lead! 
BUSH: A duck! 
BATTALION: Oooh. 
BREMER: Exactly. So, logically... 
SOLDIER #1: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck,... he's made of wood. 
BREMER: And therefore? 
SOLDIER #2: Saddam! 
SOLDIER #1: Saddam! 
BATTALION: Saddam! Saddam!... 
SOLDIER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck. 
[quack quack quack] 
BREMER: Very good. We shall use my largest scales. 
BATTALION: Ohh! Ohh! Burn Saddam! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh... 
BREMER: Right. Remove the supports! 
[whop] 
[clunk] 
[creak] 
BATTALION: Saddam! Saddam! Saddam! 
SADDAM: It's a fair cop.